Forgiveness is not always the easiest thing to do. In fact, depending on what it was that actually hurt you, forgiveness can seem like a near impossible task. I find that the things that hurt me the most in life (my dad being absent) are the ones that I often forget that I need to forgive and I have pushed it so far down that I forget it even effects me. Without forgiveness, I am still a hostage to that situation.
I am a bit of an over-thinker. Okay, I am a HUGE over thinker. I can take any small situation and come up with at least 5 different unrealistic scenarios of what I think could have possibly happened. I imagine that the person who hurt me was consciously choosing to do it and in the act knew and just did not care.
I have a very great memory combined with an imagination that can create a blockbuster movie in a matter of minutes and take me on an unnecessary emotional ride. I can take any small thing and make it personal even if nothing really even happened. For example, in a friendship, I can ‘think’ that a friend is being malicious and intentionally trying to hurt me when in fact they weren’t even thinking about me in that sense at all. I am overly sensitive as well and if my day hasn’t been the best I react as though everyone in this world has united against me. I am the last remaining human amongst the vampires and they are on the hunt.
It is all very unrealistic in retrospect. All of this negative thinking that I carry with me goes back to events that have happened earlier in life and they are mechanisms of defense built to protect me but at times they can push people to the side. There are many people that I have not forgiven in my past. For some reason, it is now easier for me to forgive but I haven’t applied that to things that happened earlier in life. I still carry those burdens around with me. This is very unhealthy behavior.
The truth is that we are all human and we will hurt each other. I am in no way perfect and I am positive that I have done my fair share of hurting others also. I try my best but even if I am unaware, there are people that I have hurt in some way or another.
Forgiving will set me free of my past. Forgiving will allow me to move forward in life and not feel like I have to look around the corner and double check everyone’s actions trying to determine their motive. I don’t want this burden of self-preservation any longer. I want to live my life and deal with situations as they arise rather than taking a ton of unnecessary steps to avoid getting hurt. You really can’t avoid it anyway. If it is going to happen than that’s the way it is. You can’t stop this.
This process is not going to be an easy one to undergo. I will have to check myself and slowly make these changes. Turning things outside of my control over to God is going to help me in the long run. I am confident in my abilities to do this. We need to forgive. I need to forgive. Let’s do it together!