I Don’t Care…

Being misunderstood can be so painful.
You can have the best intentions and that not matter one bit.
Someone told me that it would be better to only think about myself.
That’s how you keep from getting hurt.
If you always put yourself before everyone than you won’t be met with disappointment.

Sometimes when I care about other people it can appear as though I am nagging them.
The truth is, sometimes the worry feels like actual pain.
It hurts to wonder and not know if someone is alright.
The constant and consistent thoughts of what could have happened to them.
In turn, when you find out nothing happened that worry sounds like anger.
It is perceived as accusing.
Even though all it was, was worry.

Judgment hurts.

I can’t sleep when I am upset.
Everyone who knows me is aware of the sleepless nights
Usually I just toss and turn and let my mind go crazy.
Waking up the next morning feeling worse than I did the entire night.
Forcing a smile on my face so no one has to worry about me.
I’m fine. I’ll tell everyone. I’m just fine.
I know what it is like to worry
So I try to keep everyone else from experiencing the feeling.

I do what I can to keep other people from worrying about me
Even if that means that I am not ok
Even if I am hurt, I try not to say anything.
I hold it.
Then it busts out with force because there is only so much I can hold on to alone.

I’m not fine. This world has shown me that when you care about people you will get hurt.
I understand that. It makes sense to me.
I don’t understand why caring has to hurt.
That doesn’t even really make sense when I read it back.l
I guess I do it to myself.
Hold in my own pain, take on unnecessary pain.
Maybe the problem is me.

This pain is in the back of my throat as I type.
If it were easy to control than I would.
Why would I ever ‘want’ to feel this way if it were avoidable.

I feel punished for caring sometimes.
Maybe I shouldn’t care the way I do.
Maybe I should only think of myself.
I don’t think those things would make me happy either.
When I care, I put every part of me into it.

When I get hurt I am angry.
Angry at myself for allowing the pain
Angry that I can’t hide it anymore
Angry that I care enough to get hurt
Angry that I can’t control it
Angry that I let you see it.

I don’t even know if this is something that the world should see.
I started this blog to help put out when things don’t feel good.
Right now, in this moment. I hurt. I’m sad. I’m angry. I need to sleep.
I truly hope that letting out all of the confusing chaos that is in my brain right now will bring me peace.
I am about to hit publish
I am about to try to sleep

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7 thoughts on “I Don’t Care…

  1. oh honey. i am so sorry that you went through this, and i agree with Kay – the fact that you care so much shows more about you. I know it’s horrible and so mean when people make you feel like caring is wrong or selfish.. i have been there as well. i am unable to put myself first in most situations, like in my heart, you know? and people think i am nagging or being selfish.. i am not as good with words as you are so i can’t articulate what i am trying to say. but in summary – big hugs, love yourself, don’t stop being you! hopefully things sort themselves out and you are able to stop worrying.

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