I have been feeling a bit lost lately in regards to the direction my life is headed. Thankfully Kanye got the best haircut possible in an effort to help me find my way. Thanks, Kanye.
There are so many things that I want to accomplish. So many goals that I’ve set for myself. I often wonder if I have set the bar too high. Self doubt gets the best of me sometimes and I’m not quite sure why. Anytime that I have set out to accomplish something, I have done it. No matter what it was. There was never anything too big for me. There was nothing that I couldn’t do.
Lately, I feel like I have been making excuses, becoming content with where I am in life. I’m not where I want to be but I’m not in a bad place professionally. Just not where I want to be. I feel like my ambition has slowed down a bit and I am just living in a monotonous routine of daily life and I honestly don’t know how long I’ve been sitting here. Advancement takes time, energy, and focus; prioritizing what is important.
Looking back, I know that it started before I got pregnant but I can’t pinpoint the exact moment. Probably somewhere around the time I was diagnosed with Epilepsy I’m sure. It’s not like I was just stagnant. I was still excelling at life as far as many others were concerned, but not to my full potential. When I became pregnant I was working full-time and completing my Master’s degree. I continued both the entire time, never took a break from completing my Master’s degree. I even graduated not long after my son’s first birthday.
Since he was born I changed jobs and got hired with a company that I always wanted to work for. There is still something missing. I don’t feel that I had to use very much effort or energy to accomplish either of them. I almost just expect those things. I feel that now, more then ever, I use being a parent as a reason why I don’t/can’t do many things. It’s crazy because, I don’t like when people make excuses for not being able to do something yet I make them and justify it.
Justification may be easy because when you see my life on paper, I have done well. Bachelor’s degree by 22, home owner by 25, master’s degree by 28. All of these things are steps that we are all told growing up that lead to success and happiness. I want more. My dreams are so scary that I am afraid to say them out loud. I am so concerned about failing that I won’t tell anyone what they are. I am so afraid that I haven’t even really taken a step toward accomplishment.
What do I do now? Is it even really possible to have everything you want out of life without feeling like you missed something?
I don’t want to miss a moment of my sons life. I want to experience everything with him. I want him to know, that no matter what happens, his mom was there. Maybe this is because I am the only stable parent he has. I pray that his dad can be different some days but honest, others, I just wish he wouldn’t even have a chance to mess up my sons childhood. I hate that I feel that way. I hate that I can think about someone and feel such regret, such anger, such hate. In the same sense I am thankful for my son and even though I despise that man, he is my son’s father. My son will love him anyway.
I appreciate the help I receive from my family, my friends, and my boyfriend. These people have been supportive at times when I have beat myself down about all of the things that I feel are ‘messed up’ because of bad decisions that I have made.
This is probably the biggest ramble of all time. I just needed to get some thoughts out that have been bringing me down lately. Get those bad boys out so that I can move forward and become the best person that I can be. Not just for me, but for everyone that I come into contact with. Insert Instagram wisdom.