Where to go from here?

I have been feeling a bit lost lately in regards to the direction my life is headed. Thankfully Kanye got the best haircut possible in an effort to help me find my way. Thanks, Kanye.

directionsThis is about as funny as it gets.. the rest is kind of serious so if you aren’t feeling it, you can stop reading, but please don’t, I need you!

There are so many things that I want to accomplish. So many goals that I’ve set for myself. I often wonder if I have set the bar too high. Self doubt gets the best of me sometimes and I’m not quite sure why. Anytime that I have set out to accomplish something, I have done it. No matter what it was. There was never anything too big for me. There was nothing that I couldn’t do.

Lately, I feel like I have been making excuses, becoming content with where I am in life. I’m not where I want to be but I’m not in a bad place professionally. Just not where I want to be. I feel like my ambition has slowed down a bit and I am just living in a monotonous routine of daily life and I honestly don’t know how long I’ve been sitting here. Advancement takes time, energy, and focus; prioritizing what is important.

Looking back, I know that it started before I got pregnant but I can’t pinpoint the exact moment. Probably somewhere around the time I was diagnosed with Epilepsy I’m sure. It’s not like I was just stagnant. I was still excelling at life as far as many others were concerned, but not to my full potential. When I became pregnant I was working full-time and completing my Master’s degree. I continued both the entire time, never took a break from completing my Master’s degree. I even graduated not long after my son’s first birthday.

Since he was born I changed jobs and got hired with a company that I always wanted to work for. There is still something missing. I don’t feel that I had to use very much effort or energy  to accomplish either of them. I almost just expect those things. I feel that now, more then ever, I use being a parent as a reason why I don’t/can’t do many things. It’s crazy because, I don’t like when people make excuses for not being able to do something yet I make them and justify it.

Justification may be easy because when you see my life on paper, I have done well. Bachelor’s degree by 22, home owner by 25, master’s degree by 28. All of these things are steps that we are all told growing up that lead to success and happiness. I want more. My dreams are so scary that I am afraid to say them out loud. I am so concerned about failing that I won’t tell anyone what they are. I am so afraid that I haven’t even really taken a step toward accomplishment.

What do I do now? Is it even really possible to have everything you want out of life without feeling like you missed something?

I don’t want to miss a moment of my sons life. I want to experience everything with him. I want him to know, that no matter what happens, his mom was there. Maybe this is because I am the only stable parent he has. I pray that his dad can be different some days but honest, others, I just wish he wouldn’t even have a chance to mess up my sons childhood. I hate that I feel that way. I hate that I can think about someone and feel such regret, such anger, such hate. In the same sense I am thankful for my son and even though I despise that man, he is my son’s father. My son will love him anyway.

I appreciate the help I receive from my family, my friends, and my boyfriend. These people have been supportive at times when I have beat myself down about all of the things that I feel are ‘messed up’ because of bad decisions that I have made.

This is probably the biggest ramble of all time. I just needed to get some thoughts out that have been bringing me down lately. Get those bad boys out so that I can move forward and become the best person that I can be. Not just for me, but for everyone that I come into contact with. Insert Instagram wisdom.




10 thoughts on “Where to go from here?

  1. kanye’s hair is beyond ridiculous.
    honestly i think everyone feels like this sometimes, i mean who is really 100% happy and content with where they are? there is always something more, always the possibility of something missing, even if we dont want or need it, it’s not possible to really have it all so we all think, even for a second, that we’re missing something or it was too easy. like waiting for the other shoe to drop. i am happier than i have ever been and i still get down sometimes and wish i had more, wish i had done more or think somethings missing. i guess i have no words to really help, useless i am! just that i have been there xoxo

    • You made some valid points. I appreciate your feedback, and you are far from useless. Mostly I just think I need to stop being so lazy since I haven’t done much lately. At least as far as I can tell. Who really knows though. When I look at how far I have come I am definitely in a much happier place. Thanks for your kind words.

  2. Freaking Kanye… Lord of the Douche.

    Anyway, I like this more “deep” post. I agree with the above poster, does anyone REALLY have it all, and is 100% content with their lives? Not a chance. There’s always going to be something else to want, to need, to strive for. Go back and read what you wrote… In less than a decade, you earned two degrees, you bought a home, you’ve maintained employment, you BROUGHT A HUMAN BEING INTO THE WORLD AND HE’S STILL ALIVE (thats supposed to make you smilie). Some people don’t accomplish that in a lifetime. I understand being hard on yourself, feeling doubtful, feeling lazy, but I think sometimes it’s ok to take a breather. We have to in order to get that motivation to go after the next big thing.

    • Thanks! I think I just needed to vent a little bit. For some reason I have been kind of down on myself lately and I’m not even on my period. I was like, what is happening to me? I’m never this emotional. I think you are correct about always wanting more.. time to be appreciative and thankful!

  3. funny, i have a post similar to this but stating that it’s totally possible to be 100% happy. i think in this day and age, we want to much simply because there are TOO MANY THINGS available to us. if we take a step back and actually look at what we have, we actually HAVE everything we need – roof over our heads, loved ones, close friends, food in our bellies…so many people have so much less and to them, OUR LIVES are PERFECT.

    and this life is too short….make the time to do what you want to do! don’t let fear dictate your actions because the only thing worse than failing is death…and if you’re not dead if you try something, then chalk that up as experience.

    • You are right in so many ways. I haven’t been considering how rich I really am. I can start today and choose myself and things that I want. I think the real answer is to stop watching the Real Housewives and all of those other reality shows. Thanks for such a great perspective.

  4. I goal is not always meant to be reached. It often serves simply as something to aim at.
    Many times long terms goals just take time. It is perfectly normal to feel like you feel. It is proof that you are ambitious. In many areas it takes energy and effort to maintain a position you have achieved in life. You are successful and significant. I’m proud of you. 🙂

  5. Wait, homeowner? Master’s degree? Bitch, you are my new hero! Don’t EVER get yourself down about what you haven’t accomplished YET. Look at all the wonderful things that you’ve done so far. You’re a motherfuckin’ inspiration! Seriously though, teach me your ways. I need help with goal setting…and accomplishing. Lol.

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