The little things

This is kind of a big thing but made me notice so many little things in life that I never really paid attention to. Also, this may include some confessions so just be ready for all this deepness.

little things

When I found out I was pregnant with my son I was 25 years old. My life at the time consisted of going out all the time, drinking way to much and then driving home. I was very selfish. I had a full time job and I was working on my master’s degree so it pretty much looked like I had my life together on the outside. I let everyone believe that I did. It was easier that way, not to mention I have never been one to want other people to feel bad for me or to think that I was not capable of handling life on my own.

I was drinking all the time in an attempt to numb all of the bad feelings I had about myself and things that were going on in my family life. Confession, I was hurting really bad inside and I did not want to deal with it so I ran away; mentally. I don’t know how many people in my life actually know how low I was at that point. Finding out that I was pregnant was the most difficultΒ and therapeutic experience. It was not a planned pregnancy and if you have read Nightmares Pt 1 you kind of know the bad part. However, knowing that I was going to be a mother forced me to look at myself.

I hadn’t looked at myself in quite a long time. (not literally of course) Probably right before I was diagnosed with Epilepsy was the last time I actually paid any attention to me, on the inside. Any major diagnosis challenges everyone in a different way. It was a contributor to my downward spiral. I shut down emotionally.

My entire mindset changed when those 17 pregnancy tests all said positive. A child didn’t deserve a parent that was living the way I was. I could no longer be the person I had been for the last 3 or so years. When I opened my eyes I saw how many people I had in my life. How much I actually had going for me that I ignored for so long only focusing on what I was not happy with. If I could go back in time and punch me in the face I would do it.

This moment did not change everything as many struggles still came that were and still are difficult to live with. That is life. Knowing that I do not have to face challenges by myself is huge! Now I need to enforce that in my life. I have gotten better but there is always room for improvement, in all aspects. My smile is no longer a shield, it is a mirror. I am happy. I know rough times will come as they always have, the difference is that I know I will be alright regardless of the outcome because I love me.

Now join these ladies in the link-ups folks!

 

Vodka and Soda
Camo & Lipstick
The Hump Day Blog Hop
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16 thoughts on “The little things

  1. what a fantastic post, thank you for sharing! loving you is definitely important, and it sounds like you are a stronger and happier person because of it.

  2. I love this post! I found out I was pregnant when I was 19, and it was a time when the only thing I cared about was partying and having fun. It’s crazy how much that one little test puts things into perspective, also how quick you clean up your act. I’ve grown so much mentally since then, and I have my son to thank for that πŸ™‚

    • I commend you on that one! All mothers that had to do it when they were young should get special recognition. Very proud of your hard work at such a young age! Thanks for stopping by!

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