This is kind of a big thing but made me notice so many little things in life that I never really paid attention to. Also, this may include some confessions so just be ready for all this deepness.
When I found out I was pregnant with my son I was 25 years old. My life at the time consisted of going out all the time, drinking way to much and then driving home. I was very selfish. I had a full time job and I was working on my master’s degree so it pretty much looked like I had my life together on the outside. I let everyone believe that I did. It was easier that way, not to mention I have never been one to want other people to feel bad for me or to think that I was not capable of handling life on my own.
I was drinking all the time in an attempt to numb all of the bad feelings I had about myself and things that were going on in my family life. Confession, I was hurting really bad inside and I did not want to deal with it so I ran away; mentally. I don’t know how many people in my life actually know how low I was at that point. Finding out that I was pregnant was the most difficult and therapeutic experience. It was not a planned pregnancy and if you have read Nightmares Pt 1 you kind of know the bad part. However, knowing that I was going to be a mother forced me to look at myself.
I hadn’t looked at myself in quite a long time. (not literally of course) Probably right before I was diagnosed with Epilepsy was the last time I actually paid any attention to me, on the inside. Any major diagnosis challenges everyone in a different way. It was a contributor to my downward spiral. I shut down emotionally.
My entire mindset changed when those 17 pregnancy tests all said positive. A child didn’t deserve a parent that was living the way I was. I could no longer be the person I had been for the last 3 or so years. When I opened my eyes I saw how many people I had in my life. How much I actually had going for me that I ignored for so long only focusing on what I was not happy with. If I could go back in time and punch me in the face I would do it.
This moment did not change everything as many struggles still came that were and still are difficult to live with. That is life. Knowing that I do not have to face challenges by myself is huge! Now I need to enforce that in my life. I have gotten better but there is always room for improvement, in all aspects. My smile is no longer a shield, it is a mirror. I am happy. I know rough times will come as they always have, the difference is that I know I will be alright regardless of the outcome because I love me.
Now join these ladies in the link-ups folks!