I struggle with so many things in life. I know this may surprise many of you because I seem like I have everything together..
Alright, alright.. We know that’s not the truth either. To be honest I hide most of the things I struggle with from everyone. I like people around me to believe that I am doing well and that things are not affecting me. If I am being honest with you and myself, I care too much about what those close to me think and feel. Sometimes to the point where I forget to feel how I feel.
That sounds crazy right. How can you forget to feel? For me it is simple because I always want everyone else to be ok and not to feel hurt or pain. Also, I have experienced moments when I do express my struggles to others and they have been dismissed or eventually used against me. Who wants to open up just to have someone basically tell you your feelings are not valid? No one has said those exact words but we all know, actions speak louder then words.
Take for example the relationship (or lack there of) that I have with the male contributor to my existence. I do not know much about this man. Mostly because he is a closed off individual that would rather contribute to our growing population then the development of children he already has. There have been several times in my adult life that I have reached out to him, expressed how I felt, and basically got a big fat ball of nothing back.
What do I do with that? Nothing. This man is basically a stranger to me and has little to do with how I feel emotionally. My grandfather took his place and did an excellent job. I can tell you what this absence has affected. My relationships (all relationships). In fact, it has made me some what of a closed off person. The length of time it takes for me to open up to people is ridiculous. It’s hard to understand because I was never really around him much but it really is a struggle to feel complete, if that makes sense.
I am good at giving everyone a fair shot when I meet them. Usually I can forgive pretty easily as well. My biggest downfall is that sometimes I want other people to be better then they are capable of being. I struggle to accept that some people are not able to give the way I am. I just don’t see why people choose a path that they know (even if it is subconscious) will hurt them or someone else in the long run. Maybe my heart has too many feelers in it. I should give some of those away or something to the people who do not have enough. Good idea? Yes… impossible task however.
I guess what I need to do is stop struggling with thinking about everyone else so much and think more about myself. When I say that, it just does not even sound right. I can’t help it. I care about people. I even care about people that don’t really care about me. I have this really tough exterior but inside, the smallest thing causes pain. Don’t get me wrong, I can stand up for myself probably better then most. I just feel everything afterward; not just for me.. for the other person/people involved as well.
Example…. While sitting in traffic barely moving a stranger asks if he can get over in front of me. (I don’t talk to strangers and ignore them out of fear.) I didn’t respond and as his vehicle slowly rolled forward he said (excuse the language, this is a quote) “Stupid fucking bitch”. (Obviously I wanted to go all Grand Theft Auto on him but that would be illegal.) As the traffic gods would have it, within two seconds I was right next to him and responded quickly with enough intelligence to make him and his passenger reconsider before insulting a female that way again. You would think that would make me feel alright. It didn’t. I don’t even know him but his words hurt me and I had to fight the tears. My son was with me. It hurt that he has to see something like this happen. How hateful people can be for absolutely no reason. Even when I told others of the story I left that part out. Again, I don’t want people to know that I was affected in this way.
The point of all of these words is simple. We are all struggling. We need to be more kind and more considerate to strangers but more importantly to ourselves. In my case, I need to be honest with how I feel and share the whole story rather then just the parts that are not so painful. Going through struggles alone makes life feel lonely. I do this to myself. If I can’t talk to people about it then I definitely should talk to God about it. Baby steps.
What do you struggle with? (not rolling your eyes after reading this poorly written post.. I kid, I kid…)