I have been hesitant to share this part of my life. Mostly because I haven’t even really given many details of these events to close family and friends. It brings up memories and emotions that I would much rather forget and go on living life as if they never occurred. I don’t even know where to start so let’s begin.
The screaming was so loud that no words were being communicated. There was just so much yelling and no listening it all seemed as if they were both about to explode. Then, he must have gotten to the point of no return because he pushed her into the wall and she scrapped her arm on the light switch and fell to the floor. She was 2 months pregnant.
When she hit the floor uncontrollable tears ran from her eyes and the sounds of pain coming thru her lips were something even she didn’t recognize. What just happened? She thought. She lies on the floor in the fetal position unable to move suffocated by fear. He too seemed surprised by his own actions immediately apologetic. Unable to navigate through the thoughts and emotions she laid down in her bed with him beside her. She was so confused. Was it all this serious?
Later that night he swore that he would never lose control like that again. He loved her. She was never sure of her feelings for him but being pregnant and alone frightened her. He was not happy with her decision to keep the baby and was feeling overwhelmed. He continued to push for abortion but said he would not put his hands on her again. She gave the option to him of signing his rights away and leaving altogether, to which he refused. Reluctantly she agreed to stay in this relationship knowing from past relationship experience that the violence would happen again and likely get worse. She ignored it. She was scared and didn’t want to be alone.
As the weeks passed by there were more disagreements with painful insults thrown in. She would get locked in the house with her keys and phone taken prohibited to leave. When all settled she still stayed with this man. Why? She had grown up without her father as had he and the only thing in the world she could think of was giving her unborn child something she had yearned for her entire life. The love of both parents. When he realized that she was going to keep the baby he promised he would be around and be the parent their baby boy needed.
Some time passed with arguments continuing mental and emotional abuse but no physical violence. Then at 5 months pregnant, one night, he was upset that she went to the store after work without telling him. She returned to her home and he was there. He began yelling and she shouted back. He threatened to kill himself and she told him to leave; a demand he ignored. She in turn left the home and came back hours later hoping he had calmed down or even better, left. He hadn’t. His voice was so violent, so harsh and right in her face that she could feel the daggers of his spit as it landed on her cheeks. She stood there silent hoping to not anger this monster any further. To her surprise, not fighting back made it worse and he pushed her to the floor with his hands around her neck continuing to yell. She began to pray for protection over her and her unborn son. He stopped. Stood up and said, “you won’t be getting any sleep tonight.”
She went into her bedroom and laid her head on the pillow and wrapped the blanket around her as tight as she could gripping the tears behind her eyes. She didn’t want him to see that it had affected her. He walked in and snatched the blanket from her and walked out. She did not move. He came back and began to lift up the mattress and let it fall back down over and over. She went to the couch. He did the same thing to the couch. She sat up, wondering if this torture would ever stop. That is the final memory of that night and she can’t recall how it ended.
Fast-forward to 8 months pregnant. It is time to go visit the pediatrician for the first time. They are arguing again, the reason is unknown. She tells him she does not want to ride in a car with him while he is upset. This enrages him even further. He grabs her by the foot and drags her down the stars. She begs him to stop reminding him of the child. He ignores her plea. She agrees to go with him on the condition that she can drive the car afraid of what he may do. On the way to the pediatrician’s office he constantly grabs the wheel while she is driving making the car swerve. She attempts to get out but he blocks it. Sobbing she continues to remind him of the baby. His ears are closed to her words. They arrive at the pediatricians office and they go inside. He acts like nothing happened and his demeanor has completely shifted. Everything inside of her is screaming to tell someone what happened. Her words are trapped. They can’t get out. She goes through the appointment believing that he has calmed down. As they walk out he snatches the car keys from her and takes her phone demanding her to get in the car.
She listens. He drives her around erratically without concern for their safety for what feels like eternity. She keeps her eyes out the window while the tears splash on her shoulder praying that god will protect her. Eventually he stops at a restaurant and asks her to come eat with him in a calm tone. She is confused but follows anyway. When they get inside he quietly continues to break her down and she retreats to the restroom. When they leave he takes her home, tells her he loves her and leaves. Her mind has no idea what to do or where to go. All of the obvious answers are ignored as the fantasy of a family for her son still hangs in her mind.
I will continue on this story as there is too much for one post and it is very difficult to relive all at once. Thank you for reading.