Today I am in a terrible mood. I don’t want to bring you down folks so I will instead make fun of myself and allow you guys to laugh. Why? Because when I am down all I want to do is laugh. Let’s hope this makes me laugh so hard that I pee in my office chair at work and have soggy pants all day long and other people who see me can laugh and then I can tell them that I ‘accidentally spilled my coffee’ except I do not drink coffee but they do not know that. (I’m trying to win the prize for best run on sentence)
Are you competitive? Do you like to win? Are you a sore loser? I am a big fat YES to all of these things. Only I like to hide the sore loser part from you so that you think I am good at losing and then when you are a sore loser I will ridicule you to death about how terrible you are and that I am not going to play with you anymore. I am not like you. I am though… I just hold in my sore loserness until you lose and take out all of my anger about losing on you in that moment. Sneaky victory for me!
You are not a sore loser? Cool. Then you are a cheater and you cheat at everything. If you lose to me and act completely cool about it, when you do finally win than I am convinced you are a cheater. There is no way in the entire world that you beat me at something after I already defeated you and stood upon the mound of victory with my chest out and my chin held high. This subsequent win that you have is absolutely a result of your cheater ways and I will have no further part in it.
No reply to my call or text within an hour? Either you died, someone close to you died, you want me to die, or you are doing something sneaky to hurt me. Sometimes I will not even notice that you failed to reply. Other times I will take my mind to the edge of reason wondering why you have not gotten back to me. Are we not best friends anymore? Please do not be hurt or dead.. what will I do then? Emotions yo-yoing back and forth between fear and anger almost to the point of a full blown break down. WHAT IS HAPPENING?
We were supposed to meet at 5:00. It is 5:05, maybe they just stepped out a bit late. Alright it is now 5:07, are you kidding me? Who is late and does not tell someone they are going to be late? That is the considerate thing to do right? Let me send a text. Five minutes later I get a response that you are running late. No shit? You could not have let me know that before you were actually late. Does my time mean nothing you to?
I’m supposed to be there at 5:00. It is 5:02, I hope they do not notice that I’m late. I’m rushing as fast as I can to get there. Why are there other people driving right now? You are not supposed to be driving on the road at the same time as me! I do not care that it is rush hour on a Friday. Where is Ludacris when I need him? Sends text at 5:05 that I am going to be late. (Captain Obvious/Hypocrite)
We are at a restaurant that has free chips and salsa or free rolls. Can you pass me the rolls please? (Person touches the roll with their hand and hands it to me). Side eye/look of disgust. In my mind I have realized that this roll is contaminated since my friend just physically touched it. Don’t touch my food please. EVER. We do not share food, even if you are just touching it and passing it to me. That food is now only low enough to feed to the birds.
You grab a chip and dip it in the salsa, take a bite and put that same chip in the bowl of salsa. That salsa dish is now a level 4 contamination issue and should be handled only with fireproof gloves. Everyone knows if you plan to dip your chip twice you need to break the chip before you dip. (it rhymes, hello). This still does not make much sense since your hand touched the chip that will go in the salsa thus resulting in contamination but my brain somehow justified this action. I am fully aware that the restaurant workers are probably in the back making sweet love to the food with their bare, unwashed hands but if I do not see it, then did it really happen? This only works in accordance with food, everything else is subject to a full blown investigation.
Hopefully you enjoyed a few of my issues. There are plenty more of them that I will share in the future. We should make fun of ourselves more often. Am I right?