Muddy water

joshua target A tad blurry but you can see some of the rash on his neck and where he scratched it terribly on his cheek. He also had strep in this pic yet we were not aware at the time.

I feel like I am Alice in Wonderland falling down a dark hole landing in a world that I am unfamiliar with. Today I am not in a happy place but I really hope that I can turn that around and change it because I hate feeling this way. Who really enjoys this anyhow?

Looking through the window of my past I can say that I have stood in deeper mud while it’s raining outside with no umbrella to shelter me from the storm. I have survived more than I am willing to share publically at this time. Sometimes though, when I am alone, my mind takes me back to that dark place and I remember the pain and the fear. How I would cry to god to just help me out and I would be fine with whatever hardships I had to encounter after that. I just wanted to be free in every sense of the word.

To be honest I am happy most of the time. It feels like everything is coming at me from all angles and each time I solve/bandage the first issue/wound another one appears. I just keep sinking further into the mud.

I am a problem-solver. I get stuff done. I come out on top. Right now I guess I am just in a space where I wonder.. will it always be this way? Will the ground ever dry over and stop being muddy?

I feel like I did everything I was ‘supposed’ to do in order to be successful. When I think about it I should not have listened to what everyone said but instead I should have created my own way. After all the most successful people went their own way. Just because getting out of the mud worked a specific way for one cow doesn’t mean that it will for this cow. (yes, I referred to myself as a cow)

The one thing I will get specific on is my son and this stupid rash that never goes away. He is still getting the rash in different places even with the creams that the dermatologist prescribed. I left a message with the dermatologists office and I have yet to receive a response. My son’s pediatrician has left a voicemail also. We will see what they say. No parent likes to see their child miserable and uncomfortable. He is truly a little solider through it all. I look at his love of life and how much he just enjoys running and it helps ease my mind when everything else makes me cry. I bet he would enjoy a good session of playing in literal mud. We may have to get happily involved with some mud this weekend. It is going to rain today… random tangent, my bad.

joshua outside

This silly guy. I love him!

This morning I woke up to him singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. That made my day. I love that little guy and I am so thankful to be blessed to raise him. I forgot to mention the fact that he got hurt at daycare two days in a row and I almost committed a verbal homicide over the phone when I was called the second day in a row. I understand kids get hurt but for real… I just can’t..

I know this post was not fun or happy but I just needed to type it out. I plan to go more in depth along the way with some of the struggles I have endured because I think that it will help someone else.

It’s Friday, so let us all get over our negative attitude if you have one (like me) and if you are in a great mood than spread that crap like wildfire. Some of us need it!

Happy early Mother’s Day to all of the Mom’s of kids and pets!


2 thoughts on “Muddy water

  1. He is adorable!!!
    Hang in there girl we all go through those days when it just doesnt feel like we’re going to make it. On the bright side you have a very handsome boy that will help you get through it. My kids are always my biggest motivators. Email me Im here if you need to vent 🙂

  2. lil joshy is a true soldier. happiest kid i have ever met and my favorite in the entire world. u have to be doing something right!

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