What reality TV taught me

Gender, age, status, race, and religious beliefs are all completely irrelevant and will all behave equally

When it comes to violence, words are no longer powerful enough when you enter the arena of reality TV. Whether your undergarments hide your hot pocket or carry a twig and berries; you are welcome to participate. It does not matter if you are barely over the age of 18 or if you are someone’s grandmother. You do not have to have a single ‘big face hunnit’ ($100 bill) to your name or even really be on the show to get your fight club on. You can believe in God almighty or you can believe that the stars are your best friend and you will be in the presence of a fight at some point.

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As long as you can take a hit and keep on swinging than slugger; this is the life for you. No one is going to report this crime. What is this? Assault? No. Not in reality TV land. As long as later on in the confessional or sometime in an interview you tell everyone that you do not condone violence, jumping a hoe, bullying or whatever.. than all is well for you to go right ahead and jump across the couch at the reunion show because hey, it is not YOUR fault. She made you do it! So you go ahead and drag her!

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Everyone lives in an episode of cribs; the rest of us are minions living in shacks wondering where we went wrong

They’ve got the nicest furniture. The freshest rides. They walk around in their Gucci shoes wearing a Gucci bathrobe and Gucci Slippers while talking to their house workers about how terrible life is roughing it in the slums. If only their home were nicer and their clothes not so cheap.

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Your house is less than 5000 square feet? You are the ‘poor’ one and some have pity on you and others mock you. Either way your cashing them checks so don’t let it get you down child!RHOOC

 

You can do magic tricks

When you wake up in the morning you look like a troll that someone just pulled out of a shallow creek and you wreak of garbage and doggy do-do. However in a few scenes your hair will have grown 7 inches and now you look like Cruella DeVille from 101 Dalmatians or like you just stepped off of the runway. Depending on how well you can do your own hair and make-up. Or how well your Glam squad can get you together.

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This is the same person.. different days but come on!!!

 

What you wear, it doesn’t matter

You can dress like a hooker on the corner of 5th and main and no one will judge you. This is actually encouraged. Accidentally nip slip? Please! We need you to do this. No panties? Tampon string? Give the people what they want! You will never get a real job after this anyway.

If you look like you are wearing cotton balls covered in glitter on your nipples and some sparkly G-string than you have exceeded my dress code expectations. Go on with your bad self. You run the show!

Hygiene is optional. So is picking up after yourself (depending on the show of course)

Living with 7 strangers? Get nasty with it. Go eat some Mexican food while sitting on the toilet taking a poo and leave your Mexican food in the shower. That’s what I do at home. I might want to eat it while I am engaging in some popular reality show shower sex. (say that fast 10 times). Can someone say snake time?

Take a dump in your pants while you are passed out drunk in the confessional? Leave your dirty clothes in their and immediately run through the house naked and take a dive into the pool to clean yourself off. It’s the best bath you will ever take. There is no bleach in the pool but there is chlorine so that will have to do. Your roommates will enjoy the streak fest and say that you live life freely. Until they find your dirty drawls.

Sex with anyone and everyone is totally cool

Sleep with no one, sleep with everyone. Who cares? STDs and pregnancy are not real risks on reality shows. Except for Sixteen and Pregnant and Teen Mom. They stay gettin’ pregnant. Feel free to make out with people you know, people you don’t know.. whoever! Hey you only live once. Am I right? No.. where is Drake when I need him?

Reunion shows are for dressing up like you are going to prom or a fancy ball only you will be fighting in your high heels and dresses

No need to go any further into this one. You will also hear many ‘bleeps’ because there will be so much profanity since there are not many brain cells left to use words that are perfectly acceptable on television but also deliver the same blow.

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I must admit that some of my favorite phrases to shout at strangers while battling a fit of road rage have come from reality TV shows. I will have to share that in a separate post. Too many to list now.

I hope you have enjoyed yourself. I know I live my life through reality TV. If you ever feel bad about yourself just find a reality show to watch; they may have more money than you but you are smarter than them and make better life decisions. You go Glen CoCo!

Do you love reality TV? no… fine then.

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3 thoughts on “What reality TV taught me

    • Haha… I watch too much of it. I am debating on getting my cable turned off so that I can focus on getting real life stuff done. Reality TV is a confidence booster though. 🙂

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