I am crazy. I do not think that I can even explain the amount of crazy that roams around my brain on a regular basis. I obsess about some of the most ridiculous things and make up scenarios about situations that are so extreme that you would think I had some sort of disorder. I actually may. That is beside the point however.
Sometimes I do not think that I truly want to be happy in life or in relationships that I have with other people. I like to sabotage myself on a pretty consistent basis and insist on hurting those closest to me while putting them thru tests that are impossible to pass all while expecting them to be perfect and never do anything to upset me. In fact, some of my closest friendships would not be in place if my friends were not forgiving. I have done some crazy things to push my friends away and even though there were periods of time that we did not communicate, we eventually made up. I have a fantastic example for you as well that I hope you can relate to rather than judge me about.
On a night of celebration some friends and I had been out drinking and having a pretty great time. All of a sudden for absolutely no reason at all I decided that I hated everyone and lost my mind. I began screaming, cursing, crying, and just looking like an absolute fool in front of at least a good 20 people. That was just with a glance around us. We were in New Orleans at Mardi Gras and we were outside of our hotel so probably at least 1000 people saw this breakdown. I even flipped out on a stranger who asked for a lighter and followed him down the street insisting we fight. To this day I cannot tell you why I got so upset, who made me get that angry, and why I did not get jumped that day.
What I can tell you is that my friends did not leave me. They stayed with me for a long time and did not even seem to get angry with me. The only reason I ended up alone is because I insisted that they leave me alone. Once they were gone I tried to hide on some weird slanted part of the building and fell on my drunk butt. Then I decided I should go back to the hotel room and sleep off some of the crazy only to realize that I did not even have a room key. Thankfully one of the friends answered my phone call and came back to the room and sat outside with me because she did not have a key either and we were waiting for the hotel staff to let us in. (I was much more calm at this time and finally started to realize what a fool I had made of myself and my friends).
I do not even remember apologizing to them for what happened (if you are reading this friends and you were there; I am so sorry for acting like a lunatic). All I know is that my friends were still my friends the next day and we are still friends now. This is only one example of many times that I did something to my friends and this was not even the worst thing I have done. I do not know why I push people to the point of hating me before I realize that I do not want to lose them in my life. It is like I am testing their loyalty to me which is just an insane thing to do if you actually want people to enjoy being around you.
As far as relationships are concerned I have dated some good guys, some jerks and some psychopaths. When I find someone that really likes me and treats me well I think they are manipulating me and trying to get what they want and then leave. This has been my experience with jerks so I just assume that someone who is nice is only doing it for personal gain. In my most recent relationship, I let go of all of the things that I had required previously in relationships to be vulnerable and actually give someone a legitimate chance. What happened? He lied to me and was talking to another female in an inappropriate manner around the 7 month mark of our relationship. When I found out, he reacted in an odd way and I was left feeling so confused and almost as if it was my fault. He was so good to me when we were together but it seemed that he was someone else when we were not. I said that I forgave him but this began a mental whirlwind that I am still caught in today. I saw a picture of them together when I found out and now I always picture that in my head.
I do not feel secure in anything anymore and I sometimes over think what is going on and if he is really committed to me or if he is still doing what he wants and it is only a matter of time before I find out. So what do I do? Look everywhere I can trying to find out as soon as possible to avoid finding out later on down the road; check up on him over and over to make sure he is behaving? That would be so time consuming. The problem? If I said that I forgave him than I should be giving him a fair shot. How do you give someone a fair chance when they have already shown you what they are capable of doing?
At the end of all this my mind sometimes feels as if it has watched about 22 reality shows and 62 movies. I am mentally draining myself and consuming my life thinking about someone else’s life constantly. That brings me to my life. I have to live my life and be happy with how I am living it. If I spend all kinds of time trying to keep track of someone else and find out what they are doing I am only going to be miserable. The best way that I can cope with what has happened is to continue to focus on my life and my goals.
If he is there in the future than great. If he is not than I will be alright. I have survived so much in life that I know this will not break me. The world has so much more to offer and time goes by so fast. I am tired of wasting my time on things that are not productive and conducive to my future. Looking at my life in a positive way is the only thing that can help me advance and progress. There are so many things that I need to work on within myself that I really do not have time to dedicate to being an investigator. With that being said, today, in this moment I am going to focus on my life. Until the next time it is shark week (period) and my emotions go crazy and I act like a nut case again.
You stay classy planet earth!